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1. |
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It’s not weird if you’ve got a hipster beard
If one day it just magically appeared
And all your furry friends, oh how they cheered
Like you’d done a sex crime and been cleared
It’s not weird if you’ve got a hipster beard
It just means you’re a middle class kid
Who wants to look like a southern fried hick
But you just look like a pretentious prick
Hitch up your trousers, hitch up your shorts
Why don’t you hitch 'em up high, all the way north
Get out your ankles, get out your knees
Get out your skinny arms in your skinny tees
Jesus had a beard and Santa has a beard
And Karl Marx had a beard, Guru Nanak had a beard
And Freud he had a beard and his mother had a beard
And Darwin had a beard, Confucius had a beard
And Castro has a beard, Che Guevara had a beard
And Shakespeare had a beard, Cervantes had a beard
And Plato had a beard, Gandalf had a beard
Halle Salassie had a beard, Rasputin had a beard
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2. |
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The game began as always
Our hands touching in the sack
Me checking out the hot spots
And you balancing your rack
I remember all those late nights
We’d do it on the floor
I’ll never forget the excitement
Of your first triple word score
We were more than lovers
Scrabblin' under the covers
You said you loved the stimulation
You were up for it night and day
I was struck by your double doubles
And enjoyed your parallel play
Thinking back to those high times
Win or lose we were all smiles
Taking turns exchanging letters
And nights spent on the tiles
We were more than lovers
Scrabblin’ under the covers
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3. |
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Kittens won’t break up with you by text
Kittens won’t sleep with your ex
Kittens won’t write you bad checks
And forget to return your library books
Kittens won’t drug you while you dream
Kittens won’t harvest your intestines
Kittens won’t sell your flesh for sardines
To unscrupulous backstreet cooks
Kittens won’t raise VAT
Kittens won’t ever vote Tory
Kittens won’t make you work for free
And treat you like a dozy clown
Kittens won’t lie to your face
Kittens won’t criticise your taste
Kittens won’t make you feel disgraced
For going to the pub in a dressing gown
Kittens won’t tell you it’s the strong that survive
Kittens won’t say "let the markets decide"
Kittens won’t steal your cash and hide it
In a tax evasion scheme
Kittens won’t say "it’s not you, it’s me"
Kittens won’t pinch your favourite CD
Kittens won’t claim to stay friendly
And then blank you on Richmond Green
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4. |
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He’s a liar and a cheat, a grifter on the lam
He’ll take everything you own with the slight of his hand
Don’t be blinded by his poetry, don’t get caught in his web of lies
He’ll rock up in his Roller and take you for a ride
You can ask a hundred questions
But he won’t answer ya
He stacks the deck in his favour
They call him The Chancellor
His gold teeth gleam bright above a silver tongue
Under the cover of night, where his work is done
He will charm and disarm you, with style and élan
You’ll thank him for the chance to be the mark in his scam
You can ask a hundred questions
But he won’t answer ya
He stacks the deck in his favour
They call him The Chancellor
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5. |
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Coffee cups and the silver screen
The kid thinks he’s Jimmy Dean
Shock of hair, full head of steam
Smokes a cigarette, looks real mean
He drinks it in, learns the trade
He’s getting respect and getting paid
Sharp suit, sharper blade
Late night diner, coffee’s made
Wise guys in lay-bys
Cooking up alibis
The kid wants in on the heist
"No gun this time", they told him twice
Just time for a double shot
Double crossed in the parking lot
The kid was edgy, the kid was hot
Hopped up and a cop got shot
Black brew, yellow cab
Another nice kid gone bad
Threw away what he had
Beat up but wouldn’t blab
He’s doing time on death row
The gas chamber where he had to go
His last request, a cup of Joe
Just sat and stared and drank it slow
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6. |
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His girl thinks sex is a competition
But on the rules they’ve never agreed
She says it’s how many goals you score
Whereas he think it’s all about speed
They were making love one evening
When he said he had to be blunt
He wasn’t able to feel, much of a great deal
Due to her enormous eyes
Which he happened to find distracting
In fact he had a mental block
As she tickled and teased with consummate ease
His throbbing and swollen thumb
Which he’d caught in the sideboard
Knocked over his favourite glass
She’d taken him by surprise when caressing his thighs
Her finger had slipped into his hat
Which hung on the bed post
Said she wanted to see if it fits
He couldn’t help but stare, as she just stood there
Fondling her fantastic (well, I won’t say it)
He’s never been much of an athlete
Can’t wrestle, ski or pole vault
No matter the task, he’ll always come last
But when it comes to sex he’s Usain Bolt
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7. |
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It started out oh so well
The pilot episode sure was swell
The studio execs were initially impressed
With how our storyline progressed
But then you said you’d had enough
Of this pre-watershed fluff
Maybe you were right and we’d lost that spark
And our love had jumped the shark
As the break-up montage arrived
I felt it just a little contrived
To have you run off with your ex
The one with the hair and the perfect pecs
And then you finally came back
But I got canned like the laugher track
Maybe you were right and we’d lost that spark
And our love had jumped the shark
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8. |
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Oh, Jesus Christ it's Christmas
It’s that time of year again
When your family come to stay
And drive you 'round the bend
And your waistband gets a little tight
From binging on mince pies
And your nan slips into a coma
Induced by turkey and mulled wine
Oh, Jesus Christ it’s Christmas
There’s wrestling in the aisles
And the kids won’t sit on Santa’s knee
Cos they’re scared of paedophiles
And your boss tried to kill himself
But as he was rushed to A & E
He asked one of the nurses
If she’d seen Downton Abbey
Oh, Jesus Christ it’s Christmas
Let’s spend money we haven’t got
On gifts that end up as landfill
Or at best in a junk shop
And they’re playing jingles on repeat
Santa Claus is coming to town
But there’s not enough eggnog
For all the sorrows you want to drown
Oh, Jesus Christ it’s Christmas
And you’re facing redundancy
So you got your kids a gold fish
When they wanted a pony
It’s better than the gifts from last year
That you bought from the gas station
But by Boxing Day the fish is dead
And he’s the lucky one
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